The case of the ordinary canapés

Modi: Hello everyone. I've called this session because I know it's that stage of the tournament when everyone is getting a little weary. The scores are getting lower, the fielding is no longer up to the dizzying standards we set at the start of the IPL. I think this is a good time to voice our thoughts to each other and recharge for the semis.

So, who wants to get the ball rolling and tell Papa Lalit what's going on in their teams?

Kumble: Oh yes, I guess I can start. Well, RCB probably haven't been playing to our potential so much lately, and the team seems to be completely full of South Africans.

Modi: Okay... and how does that make you feel?

Kumble: Like I'm playing for bloody England, man. It's so depressing. If we had an annoying ginger with the social sensibility of a crayon in the team, the Queen would probably be falling over herself to give us all OBEs.

Modi: Hmm. England. That is pretty grim. Maybe we should move on to someone else. I'm sure Kings XI have plenty of concerns to talk about?

Sanga: Nothing to report on my end, sir. No one is quarrelling over at Punjab (laughs nervously).

Dhoni: Oh please, Sanga! Your team gets beaten more often than Chris Martin's outside edge.

Sanga: Hey, we won like two whole games last week. It's not the simplest thing in the world to captain a winning team, keep wickets and play match-winning innings at the same time, you know.

Gilchrist: Mate, I think it's pretty easy.

Warne: (smirking) Yeah, like the Deccan cheerleaders.

Gilchrist: What?

Warne: Nothing.

Modi: Shane, I know you haven't been getting up to anything with the cheerleaders because I keep them all locked up in a cage outside my house.

Modi: Who is that? Is that... Yuvraj? What are you doing here?

Yuvraj: (bashfully) Oh... heeeey guuuuys. I'm here for the ermm... captains' group therapy thing.

Sanga: Yuvi, you are not a captain! How many times do we have to talk about this? Why are you here?

Yuvraj: Oh, I just thought since... from last year... I... might be...

Sanga: No. Get out. Don't you have team shirts to finish ironing as part of your punishment for being naughty last season?

Yuvraj: Fine! I'll go. But just know that I'm not going to try very hard. The uniforms are going to look crap! (exits)

Sanga: (under his breath) Oh well, at least we'll still look better than the Royals.

Warne: What?

Sanga: Nothing.

Modi: Okay... That was a little awkward. Anyone got anything else to share? Sourav, put your shirt back on.

Gambhir: (eyeing the refreshments disgustedly) Man, these canapés are ordinary.

Modi: You take that back, young man! I stayed up all night sleeping like a baby while my servants slaved over those for you.

Gambhir: I'm not taking it back. I meant what I said. Those canapés are ordinary. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I also can't be a hypocrite.

Modi: I'm serious. Apologise immediately!

Gambhir: If you made them yourself then maybe I'd consider it. But I can't be expected to get all worked up about comments made by someone who's never made hors d'oeuvres in their entire life.

Modi: Right. Well. I can see we are getting nowhere with this therapy thing. Perhaps it's best to call it a night. Just make sure you all maintain a good over rate for the remainder of the IPL. I've already given you five minutes' worth of timeout per innings out of the goodness of my heart so you can strategise. Sourav, please stop undressing and wake your friend Tendulkar up.

Kumble: Guys, anyone need a ride back to the hotels?

Gilchrist: No thanks, mate. (announcing proudly) I always walk.

Sachin: It's over already? How come I didn't get to say anything?

Sourav: I think the guy who wrote this piece didn't want to be assaulted at night by angry Sachin fans who would misconstrue anything you are made to say as a blasphemous insult to your blessed and holy name.

Sachin: Probably a good call.

Sourav: Yep.