The anti-IPL league

You may not have heard, but apparently there is a disgruntled camp of cricket writers in the world who dislike the IPL because of its alleged excessive, bawdy commercialism. Now, I'm not sure who these people are, or what traumatic childhood event turned them into warped, miserable bigots intent on spoiling everybody's fun. But after a little investigation on my wireless-capable Karbonn phone, carried out from my DLF apartment (which, incidentally, I paid for through my Citibank account), I have come to the conclusion that these angry journalists are quite plainly deluded. I, for one, refuse to be fooled by their malicious diatribes against a tournament that is quite obviously the purest expression of the soaring human spirit.

However, despite the fact that this outspoken minority of IPL naysayers has no evidence to support their view, there are several reports that their incessant grizzling has spawned a new rebel league. A retaliatory outlet for players, commentators and administrators who want nothing to do with Lalit Modi's rampant run-fest. An anti-IPL.

Plans are still in their initial stages. However, it is clear that the rebel organisers will make the league as different from the IPL as possible. For one thing, in an attempt to make the tournament as unglamorous as they can, all games are scheduled to be held in New Zealand.

There will be no flat-track belters full of easy runs. Instead, vicious, unplayable greentops, where the keeper collects the ball at gully due to the amount of outswing, will be the norm. There is to be no attractive strokeplay, just ugly, obstinate defence, and slip cordons packed with no less than eight fielders - all of whom actually understand the concept of catching. Captains are also strictly required to play at least four Pakistani players each game, and anyone who even attempts a scoop over the keeper's head will be summarily executed.

The rebel league will further distance itself from the IPL by stipulating that all teams play in drab, unstimulating whites, which will be worlds apart from the flesh-coloured fashion masterpieces currently on display in India. And although it is not specified whether this tournament will employ the Twenty20 format or not, that information becomes irrelevant when one considers that no batting line-up is likely to last more than 13 overs, partly due to the playing conditions, but mainly because of the strong New Zealand and Pakistani presence.

Geoffrey Boycott is believed to have commisioned the operation, and the anti-IPL has reportedly attracted a who's who of attritional blocking experts and cautious nurdling gurus. Mark Richardson and Michael Atherton will probably both come out of retirement to take part, as will a whole swathe of average ex-medium-pacemen, including Dominic Cork and Dion Nash. Among the current pool of cricketers, slumber-induction specialists Alastair Cook, Tim McIntosh and Thilan Samaraweera have expressed strong interest. The league is even reportedly in negotiations with IPL players Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman, whose determined grit and obdurate style of play go largely unappreciated in the six-happy Indian league.

Despite all this, the anti-IPL does have some things in common with its more celebrated counterpart. The team owners here, for example, can claim to be movie stars in their own right. However, instead of upbeat, colourful Bollywood superstars, the anti-IPL has ended up with Hollywood trouble-makers like Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe, who apparently won their respective teams in an all-in drunken bar brawl.

The sideline performers, too, have been retained for the anti-IPL. But due to budget constraints, good-looking cheerleaders have been done away with; Boycott himself is set to perform dancing-girl duties, gratuitous upskirt shots and all, with able support from Ian Botham and Nasser Hussain during their breaks from whingeing in the commentary box.

It is unlikely that this anti-IPL will make a profit. Advertisements are so scarce that they only appear at the end of each over, and postage stamp-sized commercial blimps are not conducive to high turnover. However, if it gets petty cricket writers who drone on about the "well-being of the game" watching something else while the IPL is on, long may the rebel league continue. Leave the rest of us to enjoy our cricket-flavoured ads in peace.