Is Tendulkar an Indian? Probably not

Best in the world
England have the greatest travelling cricket fans. Why are they the greatest? Because they damn well respect tradition, unlike the likes of you, you uncultured cretin. Traditions like getting transcendentally hammered over the course of a Test-match day, and hilariously calling Australians convicts in song, year after year after year after year. In fact, to underline their greatness, the Barmy Army is establishing brand new traditions, even now. For the third time in nine years, they have rolled out a now customary pre-Sri-Lanka-series complaint about ticket prices, alleging that Sri Lanka Cricket's ticket distributor is "taking cynical advantage of the fact that England are the only international team that bring many thousands of overseas supporters with them on tour". How dare these people leverage the market to their favour?

The Barmy Army release adds: "For those who consider that £45 compares favourably to ticket prices in English Test venues, it needs to be borne in mind that stadium facilities in Sri Lanka can be described as basic, at best." On top of which Galle Stadium is surrounded by the ocean on only two sides, if you can believe that.

Worst on show
William Shakespeare's claim that "every action must have an equal and opposite reaction" is now understood to be about the Akmal family. Because while cousin Babar Azam has been endearing himself to millions around the world with his prolific output, the Akmals have been carefully adhering to the laws of thermodynamics by committing wonderful self-sabotage.

It was Umar who had the more eventful February. He began the month by failing a fitness test (Kamran also failed it in a touching gesture of solidarity). Upon being told he had failed the test, Umar allegedly removed the remainder of his clothing, and asked the trainer, "Where is the fat?" presumably while substantial jiggling was still ongoing. Then, mid month, news broke that Umar had been suspended from all cricket-related activities under the PCB's anti-corruption code.

Nat Sciver: "She was never going to run her out. I know that none of our team would ever do that. It's just part of the game, isn't it?"https://t.co/Wa7ihZkse5 | #T20WorldCup pic.twitter.com/CKEklPkOje

— ESPNcricinfo (@ESPNcricinfo) February 24, 2020

The moral question
For the 1423rd time in a couple of years, international cricket is dealing with the same moral dilemma. When England bowler Katherine Brunt refused to run out South Africa's Sune Luus, who was backing up too far at the non-striker's end, the question of whether such dismissals are fair or sporting has been raised repeatedly and at great volume. This debate, clearly has only one rational winner. If the rules allow a bowler to dismiss a batsman - who gains significant unfair advantage by leaving the crease early - there is every justification for running them out this way.

As it is by now insane that we even keep having this conversation, the Briefing suggests that non-strikers leaving their crease early are not only liable to be run out, they should also be shot out of a cannon into their dressing room, instead of being afforded the dignity of leaving the ground on foot. This recommendation is made in the hope that this extreme position will make non-striker run-outs seem like the reasonable middle ground.

It's also a less ridiculous idea than refusing to run out a batsman for spirit-of-cricket reasons.

The president
Officially, Nazmul Hassan's title is president of the Bangladesh Cricket Board. This should mean he is the chief big-picture policy-maker for the board. Seven years into the job, though, this is not the way Hassan operates. This month, he has stated that he insists on knowing the playing XI and the game plan the day before each match. He also called Mominul Haque - the country's Test captain - "shy" and "soft" to justify his meddling, while he put the entire blame on a recent lost Test to Afghanistan on the players rather than taking any responsibility as board chief. Later, he also insisted that Mushfiqur Rahim, one of Bangladesh's most senior players, travel to Pakistan in April, even though his family is uncomfortable with him doing so.

It's almost as if he's trying to force himself on the team as a benevolent father- figure. Except he's not a caring, supportive dad. He's the kind who compares you to the neighbour's kid, badmouths you in front of his friends, and blames it on you when he passes wind at dinner parties.

Tundulkar truther?
By now everyone's seen and laughed at the clip of Donald Trump, leader of the free (question mark) world, mangling the name of the most beloved batsman of the last 30 years. But was this more than just a Trumpian mispronunciation? Having come to political prominence by claiming that Barack Obama was actually born in Kenya, was Trump making a similar point about the Indian (question mark) batsman? Either way, we're going to have to see this Su-chin's birth certificate.

- As Babar Azam lights up the PSL, Umar Akmal moons the nation after a sports talk show gets heated.

- Nazmul Hassan begins standing on the boundary so he can personally tuck in the shirts and plant kisses on the foreheads of Bangladesh players before they get on the field.

- Barmy Army appalled at higher price of alcohol in Sri Lankan stadiums. "Once again, vendors are taking cynical advantage of the fact that many of us must drink until at last partially blind at any cost."